How to lose a fight and feel good about it

Space Cadet, 06/03/2001

I've never been in a proper fight. I tend to be pretty useless at starting them, for which I blame my parents and their misplaced sense of civility. Imagine my relief, therefore, when I came across Christian Rutter's guide, "How to lose a fight so the other guy goes to jail" at TheSpark.com (sorry, the site's no longer around). If you don't get beaten up, or you get beaten up without sufficiently serious injuries for the purposes of sending your attacker to jail, this guide is for you.

Christian explains that the proper attire is a crucial first step. Do not wear leather (too intimidating); Instead, he advises, "nothing says 'kick my ass' better than pantaloons." As for location: "Ideally, you want the scenery to be pretty still at the beginning, shift to upside-down somewhere in the middle, and then, as the fight concludes, fade slowly into nothingness."

The magic acronym is ABGPOK: Always Be Getting Punched Or Kicked. "A simple rule of thumb is this: if you're ever not getting punched or kicked you are in violation of the 'always' part of the rule and you need more practice."

My favoured technique is the "Reverse Pick-Pocket". Work your way into a head lock (your head, your attacker's lock). "Not only is it easy for your attacker to evenly distribute pain to your face from this trusted position, but you have virtually unlimited access to his pockets." Slip in your wallet and "Voila! A regular beating becomes what the Law calls a 'mugging'."

I also found the troubleshooting quite helpful, for example:-

Problem: I try all the techniques, and sure, I get beaten up, but the guys who do it never go to jail.

Solution: Are you fighting ambassadors? Ambassadors have diplomatic immunity from prosecution and cannot go to jail.