Have a great death (and don't forget to email me)
Space Cadet, 02/06/2000
Woody Allen once said, "I don't want to achieve immortality
through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." Most of
us would probably agree with Woody. But, given that death is
inevitable, it goes without saying that the internet offers many
sites to assist our departure. Many try to be wacky – but do so
openly. That's fine with me. I'm just a bit more concerned with
certain other sites. Take FuneralsToDieFor.com (site now dead), for
instance.
"There are 5.96 billion people living on planet earth.
They are all going to DIE.
Don't take DEATH lying down.
Stand up for your RITES."
And then you hit the coffin-shaped "enter" button to progress
beyond the intro. It's not a joke. It's a site to help you plan
your funeral. "Have a great life, and top it off with a great
death!!", the site tells us.
Then there is FinalThoughts.com (site deceased). Register with
the site and you can write an email message which will be sent on
your behalf to any number of friends or relatives after you die.
The site gives examples, such as:-
To: Mom
Subject: Hi Mom, please look after my pets...
"Now that I'm gone please look after my pets. If you give Rusty
and Mr. Whiskers half the love you've given me over the years, then
they will be truly loved.
Thanks,
Love Joe"
Call me cynical, but if I were Mom, I think I'd be prone to a
swift cardiac arrest upon opening little Joey's e-mail from beyond
the grave. Yet this site is (deadly) serious. The
posthumous-scare-and-abuse-the-hell-out-of-anyone-you-hate
potential is obvious – but let's not go there.
Many tasteless funeral services are touted on the web. The
endearingly named PayLessCaskets.com (another deceased site) has
photos of its full range, displayed in tranquil settings. The
"Cherish" casket levitates (spookily) above a rose garden by a
pretty waterfall; the Casket Royale is set atop a Swiss mountain on
a Summer's day, looking just like a Hammer Horror remake of The
Sound of Music. They might as well have Julie Andrews yodelling
from beneath the lid (although, now that I think about it, the
singing nuns in that heinous film did forever haunt my childhood).
Anyway, the Casket Royale (with cheese) is a mere $645. With toll
free ordering. Maybe do a price comparison with CasketsOnline.com
who offer free next day delivery.
HeavenlyDoor.com (also dead) is a big commercial site, again
aiming to be serious. "Welcome to heavenlydoor.com! Find a funeral
home or cemetery near you!" it says at the head of each page.
Personally, I think the exclamation marks should have been missed
out. But given that the message appears below a banner ad for a
site which will arrange to scatter your ashes on the moon for
$12,500, it doesn't seem worth getting upset about the punctuation.
"Now taking reservations!", says Celestis.com.
Returning back inside the HeavenlyDoor.com, the site helps to
expose some myths. The FAQ: "I am too young to think about pre-need
arrangements." The advice: Examine the obituaries in your local
paper and you will find that no age range is exempt."
And I see from the small print that they will only use the names
of those aged 13 and over for marketing and promotional purposes.
Funeral planning at 13? Only if it's a choice between that and The
Sound of Music.
