Victims of hate

Space Cadet, 04/08/2000

I would never condone assault. But if you've ever been irritated by someone speaking obnoxiously on a mobile phone, you too might appreciate PhoneBashing.com.

Their mission statement: "KILL MOBILE PHONES! KILL MOBILE PHONES!" It's just six short video clips of two guys dressed in big (stolen) rubber phone costumes jumping people in the street. Their victims' only crime was using or even just carrying a mobile phone (although one guy is also guilty of being "involved" with a white BMW). The site's authors are careful to point out that nobody was refunded for the loss of their phone.

There is something deeply satisfying about watching a phone being snatched and smashed on concrete by people in silly phone costumes, then seeing the hapless victim realise there is no Jeremy Beadle character in the shadows. It's cruel, stupid and illegal, but I can't help liking it. Grab 4 is my favourite – a cider drinker in platform shoes ("What are you doing?!! ****ing maniacs!!", she yells) getting her just desserts.

As the name suggests, WhoWouldYouKill.com is another site with few nice things to say. The format is straightforward: you pick a television series from the site's vast range, you select a character from the series (handy thumbnail pictures provided), and then you enter the plot of your victim's final scene. It seems compulsory for the mini-screenplays to be both sick (really sick) and spelled badly.

The site is popular - over 10,000 people went to the trouble of inventing gruesome deaths for Buffy the Vampire Slayer's mum. I'm very worried about what this says for the kids of today.

I've picked some of the more innocent plots to give you an idea...

Series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I Would Kill... Buffy Summers
Final scene: Her face erupts painfully and slowly into that of a scaly komodo dragon with acne and she is then attacked by an army of rabid weasels. Then she is thrown into a nice, hot, rotissery grill and eaten by a tribe of cannabalistic little people.

Series: Mr Bean
I Would Kill... Mr Bean (the only choice of character, in fact).
Final Scene: I would shove teddy down Mr Bean's throat 'till he choked to death

Series: Batman
I Would Kill... Batman
Final Scene: Adam West will have his flabby Bat-gut mercilessly punched again and again until he's too weak to defend himself.

Series: Scooby Doo
I Would Kill: Scrappy
Final Scene: I've been begging for years for someone to kill that little mongrel! Damn b****** was the death knell for The Scooby show... I would just feed the b****** some anti-freeze. Then I'd chop him up into Scooby snacks. Plus I'd make sure that Shaggy actually got a morsel of food in his mouth for once.

Series: Ally McBeal
I Would Kill: Ally McBeal
Final Scene: Snap her in half like the stick of celery she really is then give her the same fate as John Cage's stupid frog. Extra Crispy please!

Series: Frasier
I Would Kill: [All of them]
Final Scene: [we couldn't print any of these. Too horrid/weird/sick.]