Joe's quest for a wife

Space Cadet, 28/07/2000

"Do you know any single, eligible women?
Are you an eligible single woman?"

Before the internet's domination, it was harder for single guys to meet the girl of their dreams. But things should be easier now – the web is awash with dating assistance. Joe Smith has gone one step further. He is a man who has turned to the web in his crusade to find a wife before he hits 40 on 1st September this year. Joe's Midwest-USA charm drips from every page of his web site at SpouseQuest2000.com (a site that is no longer alive).

There are a couple of photos of Joe on his home page, looking dapper in his tuxedo. These are just teasers for his Photo Gallery, where Joe is dressed, inexplicably, as a witch.

The site is the whole Joe. It's not really for me to comment on whether Joe seems like a good catch. So perhaps I'm going out on a limb when I suggest that any sane woman will gag with revulsion as soon as she catches a whiff of his stinking chat.

Joe says: "Come along with me as SpouseQuest2000 knocks on doors across America, Canada and beyond. It'll be fun, don't you think?" This year he has travelled almost 10,000 miles around the Midwest in his strange quest for a wife. Most of these trips involve Joe going out to "meet the ladies," to freestyle dancing venues like the Moose Lodge in Iowa City. Of one dance, Joe writes in his journal,

"I began handing out to a couple people I trust 'introduction cards'. The cards say, 'On a Quest to be married by the end of 2000 and very open to suggestions'".

Most nights end with Joe going home quite early.

Joe is a city administrator in Iowa. "I am smart, often corny", he tells us. "I just know that I am one very funny guy." In his spare time, when he's not adding painfully dull journal entries to his site, Joe has a hobby. He collects ephemera (which, the dictionary advised me, refers to insects that live for only a day or a few days). I can't help suspecting that he just kills the insects after a day.

And here's a few Joe quotes from his extensive journal:

• "Did I tell you I like food? Well I saw a cake sitting over on someone's table so I went over to investigate. They were celebrating Valentine's Day with two cakes, cookies, and a variety of other decadent treats. Well I am usually not shy when it comes to food, so I let them know that when it was time to cut into the cake, I would like to have a piece. A little later the young lady I spoke with came over and asked if I still wanted a piece. You bet! She was sweet enough to give me a piece of both cakes and I enjoyed their generosity for several bites."
• "I seem to be dancing at a lot of animal places lately."
• "Well I sometimes, ok I usually tire of standing in line with the men waiting for a lady to dance with so one time I climbed in the women's line. I never had more fun with this with women giving me attention by telling me I am in the wrong line and the look on the men's face as they find me"

Best of all are the entries in his guest book, completed by visitors to Joe's site (but only the nice ones last more than a few days):

Name: Janice Plate

Why I'm responding: No real reason

Comment: I really don't know what to say.

Name: Kate

Why I'm responding:

Comment: Your approach to meeting a woman is enough to scare the horses.

Name: Joanne Wilson

Why I'm responding: Saw your site.

Comment: You're an idiot.